Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
