Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
