hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
