Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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