The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
