Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
