hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
