Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
