Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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