Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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