On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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