Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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