she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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