My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
