Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
