I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i need some magic done to my vagina
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
