You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
