whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
