Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
