New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
