I just made out with a guy for $7.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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