I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
