you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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