Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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