i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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