Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
