Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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