the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize