Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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