We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
