My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize