remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
