her vagine was all disorganized.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize