I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
