my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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