Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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