after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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