feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
