All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize