I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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