I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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