Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
