Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
