Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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