my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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