dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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