my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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