I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
