I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
