so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
