peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
