That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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