The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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