On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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