Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
