dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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