if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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