she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
