capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
