Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
