i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize