I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
