Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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