just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
