you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize